Just a Jellyfish Drifting in the Current

Honestly, for a while, I thought I had everything sorted. I had an awesome job that I really loved. I was writing and slowly getting noticed. But then, reality kicked in—I lost my job, and no one cares about me on social media. In a world where everyone is all about themselves, subscribers and followers don't mean much. I'm just another number to them, just a face that popped up on their timelines and then just as qucikly disappeared.

Just drifting around with everything else. No real direction. Sometimes I question why I'm even here. My head's full of big ideas that make me crazy. I just want to make the world a better place and leave my mark while I'm here. But it feels like the universe is working against me. It's enough to wear anyone out.

I'm a pretty great nurse, but I still lost my job.

I spend most days in pain, both mentally and physically.

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Destined for Mediocrity

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It's kinda ironic because I used to think, while writing some of my old posts, that I finally came up with something special that would really connect with people. Then I step into the real world and realize I'm not as unique as I thought, and I'm not going to touch people's souls like I once believed. What a joke. Maybe it's all those fantasy books I've read over the years. I guess I got that heroine mindset from being in the heads of all those book heroines. That was fiction, and this is real life.

I see others are taking my ideas, the ones I thought would change the world, and making them sound even better—but not in the way I intended, which was to save humanity. Turns out, people don't really want that after all.

I've always wanted to have a purpose in life. Growing up, I read tons of fantasy books. All I ever dreamed of was being like one of those characters—special, needed, adventurous, and so much more. Honestly, I can't even count how many books I've read. Probably in the thousands!

When I was a kid, I always figured I'd end up doing something amazing. For a while, I thought it might be because of my awesome singing voice, but then I actually heard myself sing and realized that wasn't going to happen. I drifted around aimlessly for quite some time. Then I became a parent, and that became my whole world for a long time. Now that my kids are older and don't really need me as much, I'm trying to find my purpose again. I thought it might be writing, but just because I enjoy it doesn't mean it's anything special or that people want to read it.

I'm just like everyone else out there wanting to be heard.

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Too Kind Hearted in a World Full of Hate

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I could never be the kind of nurse I want to be in the corporate world. I'm just too kind-hearted for that, but I still need a job. My husband wants me to find one, the economy is pushing me, and honestly, my mental health is too. Yeah, I could probably land a nursing job in a lot of places, but I'm not about to dive into something that'll just make me miserable, because then everyone around me would be miserable too. I'm trying to chase my hospice/writing dream, but I keep running into dead ends.

Will I always be a washed-up nurse and pothead, aiming for greatness but constantly falling flat on my face? Will I always be battling with my mental health? Will I always feel like I'm an animal stuck in a cage?

I just want to be happy and keep it that way. I need a real purpose, not just the idea of one. I get that it's a big ask and that everyone wants the same thing. I know life isn't fair, and we rarely get what we truly want. I've been around long enough to have heard/seen it all.

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Too Much of an Odd Ball to Be Heard

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For a while, I was calling myself an atheist, but after chatting with someone on Substack today—before I got banned again, of course—I realized I'm more agnostic. I'm in that space where I don't really buy into religion or God in the traditional sense, but I can't completely rule out God's existence either. One thing's for sure, though: I definitely don't believe in the Bible.

So, since my take on the spiritual side of life is way different from most people, no one's really going to pay attention to some girl with a unique perspective compared to almost everyone else. Nobody's interested in a girl who wants to spread love and positivity and make the world better because people don't want that and they'll do whatever they can to stop it.

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What a Selfish Choice

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I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I hate myself for having kids. I absolutely love my kids—anyone who knows me can tell you they're my whole world. But sometimes I feel a little selfish for bringing them into this crazy world. I mean, it's a tough place out there, and a very big part of the reason I had them was for my own happiness. Now they have to deal with all the chaos of life, and eventually, their kids will too.

I really hope I'm wrong about death. I don’t want to come back to this Earth with how things are going, and I don’t want that for my loved ones either. Honestly, I don’t want that for anyone, but I’ve already realized that what I want or think doesn’t really matter anyway.

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True Exhaustion Has Set In

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Honestly, I'm tired. It's not just that I need some sleep, though that's definitely part of it, it’s 12:27am. I'm tired from the mental battles I keep fighting. I feel stuck, like I'm in a cage I can't escape. I keep messing up everything I try, and I'm worried these intense feelings will never go away.

I get that my life goal is a huge challenge, probably the biggest anyone could imagine. But I can't change how I feel deep down.

I’m exhausted.

I’m wiped out—mentally, physically, and emotionally. My energy is so low it’s about to hit zero. I’ve been running on empty for ages, and it’s starting to mess with me. I’m basically on my last bit of energy right now. I still haven’t found the right way to fully recharge.

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Exhaustion is Making Me Delusional

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I've been dealing with these struggles for so long. I see all these people living the dream I wish I could have. That's why I can't stand watching movies and shows or hopping on social media. Everyone out there seems to be living an amazing life, doing fun and incredible things, while I'm here fooling myself into thinking my writing really matters to anyone or will ever mean that much. Comparing myself to a great writer feels ridiculous. I'm just someone who wants to be everything. I even dream about winning the lottery one day to travel and change the world. See? Totally unrealistic.

I wanna travel the world, sing my heart out, stand up for love and acceptance, to make a difference, write amazing stories, be an awesome nurse, and just be an all around good person.

Unfortunately, just like my mom used to constantly remind me when I was growing up, I'm not much, and I probably never will be. I need to accept that. I'm someone who hangs out in pajamas more than regular clothes and spends too much time on unrealistic dreams instead of focusing fully on my daughter and her studies, and life around me as it is.

If it weren't for wanting to see all my kids chase their dreams and be involved like I always wished my mom was, I wouldn't be here. I often feel like I'm just a burden to society and everyone around me. But my kids need their mom, so I'll keep pushing through for them, just like I always have and always will.

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Endless Battle

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When will this inner battle finally stop? I guess it'll only end when I'm in a biodegradable body bag six feet under.

I'll always crave the impossible, and deep down, I know I'll never stop wanting it. I'll always want to change the world, explore every corner of it, and make my voice heard. I want to show everyone that there's hope for humanity's future, and it's all about love. Just love. 🫶

I’m not a naive school girl anymore.

I hope that when I'm not around anymore, people understand what I've been trying to achieve. I don't need to be there for it to happen; I just really want it to happen.

This is one of those posts that inspired my website's name. I'm just venting because my mind's all over the place and I feel like I'm about to burst.

And I don’t know what else to do.

My life’s a bit of a mess right now. No job, no opportunities in sight. I keep hitting walls when I try to share my thoughts with the world. And I never have enough cash to travel, does help I have no job now, so I feel trapped, like I’m stuck in a tiny cage. It’s like I’m never going to live fully. My heart's always going to want to explore while I’m just stuck at home, feeling like I’m just taking up space in this already crowded world, in my pajamas, all day, ever day.

I'm pretty sure anyone who started reading this has already given up. If anyone has started reading it at all.

I'll just keep going through life like a jellyfish riding the waves. No obtainable purpose. Just a big dream and no luck. Just living life like I always have, and probably will until the day I die.

Thanks for reading it, to whoever finished.