I See You!!!!

As I'm sitting here, trying to type this, my hands are shaking more than they usually do. I've kept this bottled up for so long. It's like there's a kid inside me, wanting attention, love, and to be heard, but all I've ever gotten back is an echo. Will anyone even care? That seemed to be the theme of my life. Maybe it's still the same now, I’m not sure. But maybe this will connect with someone. Maybe it'll help someone who's having tough times see a bit of light, even if it's just a faint one. But it's there. I never had that growing up, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.

All my life, I've just wanted to be loved and noticed. I'm sure you're nodding along, thinking you feel the same way too. It's totally natural for us to want that.

When I was a kid, I sometimes felt overwhelmed by anger and sadness. I just felt really lost and alone. I ended up spending most of my time in my room, listening to music, writing, and reading.

To Hurt Oneself

So here's the deal, all that anger and sadness just gnawed at me like a sore that wouldn't heal, and I was lost on how to handle it. That's why I ended up cutting myself. It wasn't about wanting to die—if that was the goal, it wouldn't be hard to achieve. It was more like a way to scream for someone to notice me, to see the pain I was carrying. That someone was my mom.

I just wanted her to notice me. I hoped that by doing something like that, my mom would see the pain I was in. When I was younger, I was really into the goth/emo scene. Whenever I cut myself, I'd cover it up with sweatbands and bracelets. My mom caught on, since I suddenly went from never wearing sweatbands to wearing them all the time. Her reaction wasn’t surprising. She said, “I see what you’re doing. If you’re looking for a cry for help, I can take you to a psych hospital.” And that was it.

I was in middle school. I was so angry and hurt, I just didn’t know what to do. So, I went into our medicine closet and grabbed the first thing I saw; I think it was Tylenol. I took whatever was in the bottle, not sure how many. However many it was, it wasn’t enough to kill me, but it sure did hurt, and there was a lot of vomiting. The only reaction from my mother was, “You better hope you can throw it all up; you don’t want them to have to pump it out.”

What do you even do with that?

I grew up surrounded by anger and pain, and I carried it with me to school. That’s why I never really had any friends.

When I was in fourth grade, I switched schools. There was this group of girls I really wanted to hang out with, but it always felt like they were leaving me out on purpose. One day, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I grabbed one of those spiral notebooks and pressed the metal spirals into my arm as hard as I could. I shouted, "Is this what you want, for me to hurt? Well, here you go!" Yeah, that got me a trip to the principal's office and some trouble at home.

I've felt this way a lot throughout my life, not just when I was a kid. Luckily, something always stopped me from ending it all—maybe it was fate. When I had kids, honestly, the only thing that kept me going sometimes was thinking about them growing up without a mom, which is something I always wanted for myself. I couldn't put them through that kind of pain, knowing how awful it feels. So, I hung in there, even when things got tough.

Today, I'm happier than I ever imagined I could be. I used to carry around so much pain and anger, and I honestly thought it would never leave. But not only did it fade away, I'm now the total opposite of who I used to be. Things really can turn around for the better, I swear!

Moral of the Story

There will be times in life that knock you down so hard, you'll feel like you can't make it through. But guess what? You totally can! It might not be a walk in the park, but that doesn't mean you can't handle it.

I SEE YOU!! I HEAR YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

To everyone who's ever felt like I have, this one's for you! You're not alone. I care!