Committed

Hope my room is padded

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Ever have one of those days when everything just goes haywire? It starts off on the wrong foot—your alarm doesn't go off, you wake up late, panic sets in, you spill coffee on your shirt, and forget your lunch. By the time you head out, it already feels like you're trying to catch up. All day long, little things keep stacking up: an unexpected bill, a critical coworker, each one adding to your stress. It feels like you're just barely managing to stay afloat, weighed down by worries and frustrations. Bad news or personal setbacks can make you feel completely overwhelmed, like you're drowning in despair.

If you've never felt like this, congrats, you're living the dream! But if you have, you know it's like carrying a backpack full of bricks while hunting for a tiny flashlight in a cave of chaos. During these epic quests, phoning a friend (or anyone, really) can be like finding a secret cheat code. Loads of folks have been in your shoes, and realizing you're not the only one in the "Life is Hard" club can be oddly comforting. A little help from friends, family, or the pros can help you regain your footing and sail back to the land of chill vibes.

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The day before this all went down, my oldest son got violent with us multiple times, which involved the cops, multiple times. He was just acting up more than normal. The last time the cops left, I had a meltdown of sorts. I went and lay in bed for 5 hours, according to my friend and husband. I thought it was only 20 minutes. I found out later that she lay next to me for a few hours. I didn’t even know it. I was that into my head.

Right in the thick of everything, I faced a major hurdle: a super important test the next day for my nursing program. I had already flunked it once, and with just four chances before getting kicked out, the pressure was on big time. The thought of failing was terrifying, and my anxiety was through the roof, making it nearly impossible to concentrate.

When I took the test, I was super anxious and ended up failing again. That really hit me, and I just broke down. My instructor got concerned and called the assistant director of nursing. In a moment of frustration while talking to her about everything, I blurted out, "I wish I was dead," without realizing how serious that sounded. Her reaction led to the police being called because she thought it was an actual threat.

Everything just exploded, and I was stuck handling the aftermath of opening up like that. The police getting involved only made me feel more embarrassed and confused. I never wanted to freak anyone out; I was just trying to share how down I was feeling. This whole mix-up really highlighted how being vulnerable can lead to surprising and messy situations.

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Just 5 Little Words

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With people not getting what I meant and me struggling with mental health stuff, I felt powerless and suffocated as I tried to handle the confusion and despair.

Something I said totally blew up out of nowhere, messing with my personal life and interactions. It led to a bunch of misunderstandings and frustration. It was like a chain reaction, disrupting my life even more, and my husband’s. This just shows one wrong move can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood.

When I actully reached out for help, I realized there was a big difference between what I needed and the support I actually got. I just wanted people to hear me out and respect my perspective, hoping they'd see me as more than just a set of mental health labels. It felt like every time I tried to talk about my complicated feelings, it turned into a struggle, with people often giving me dismissive or clinical replies that boiled my struggles down to just symptoms.

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Off We Go - My First Police Car Ride

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Walking out of the building with cops beside me was quite the embarrassment. Just thinking about their whispers and judgment was unbearable. I was totally lost, my mind all over the place with confusion and anxiety. Funny enough, our first stop ended up being the place where I'd later work. Thankfully, there weren't any beds available there; working at a place where I'd been a patient would have been way too weird.

They took me to the hospital next door, the hustle and bustle of the place just made my anxiety skyrocket. The bright lights, the antiseptic smell, and the distant noises were overwhelming. Inside, I was completely freaking out, with my heart racing and my mind going into overdrive.

In the ER, I found myself in a chilly, unfriendly room for psych evaluations, feeling totally cut off from everything. A woman was yelling somewhere, her shouts bouncing off the walls and making everything feel even more chaotic. I sat there by myself for what felt like forever (it was a few hours), like I was stuck in a weird nightmare, only chatting with someone on a screen about how I was doing mentally. I waited to be admitted, every minute dragging on with anxiety and uncertainty, as I stepped into this unexpected new chapter of my life.

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Home Sweet Home

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I finally got to my home away from home, and I was starving! I arrived before lunchtime, but no one offered me any food. By now, it was around 5:30 or 6. I asked the lady who showed me to my room if I could get something to eat, but she just said dinner was over and I'd have to wait a few more hours for snack time. Thankfully, a super nice lady who worked there overheard and brought me a drink and a snack. Cheers to the awesome people out there!

The room was chilly and not very welcoming, with plain white walls and harsh fluorescent lights. The small bed had a saggy mattress and a scratchy blanket, making it hard to relax or get any sleep. The space felt so bare and impersonal, more like a quick pit stop than a place to heal. I never got why places for mental health have such gloomy vibes. How's that supposed to help anyone feel better? Even at the place where I worked later, the walls were bare and white, and the atmosphere was cold. I suggested adding a music room or maybe a "quiet" zen-like room on each floor, but that idea got shut down quickly.

There was a little spot for clothes, but I didn't have any, which just made me feel more exposed. Even though there was a bathroom, I never showered in it. Unfortunately, during all the uproar, I didn’t get a chance to stop by my house and get some necessities. So, I lay there with nothing, staring at the ceiling until my husband was able to bring me toiletries, clothes, and a book. Until I could have another snack.

The next morning, I had a meeting with one of the doctors, and I was pretty nervous about it. When I walked in, I was surprised to see so many staff members there, which made things awkward and a bit intimidating. The doctor was a young guy with a serious and kind of condescending vibe, which made it hard for me to open up about how I was feeling. The part that really seemed to get to him was when I mentioned I smoked weed. His face said it all about how he felt about that. I explained that when I said, "I wish I was dead," I was talking about my struggles, not that I wanted to hurt myself. Still, he decided to label my case as involuntary, which messed with my mental health care and rights.

I called my husband right after, and he jumped right into action, contacting patient advocacy and even reaching out to the Governor to back me up. His help was a total lifesaver during this tough time. I was able to talk to someone over the phone later that evening. He said that if I told him I voluntarily agreed to stay, they would switch it back. So, I did. Yay for small favors!

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What Next?

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I did all the things they told me to do: listened to people talk, did the activities. I met some amazing people, each with their own stories and experiences that made our time together unforgettable. We had both deep and light conversations, laughing and talking about everything from personal challenges to future dreams. We felt like kindred spirits, swapping contact info with hopes of keeping in touch. But then, life happened, and those strong connections faded into distant memories.

I sometimes think about whether they're still going after their dreams and passions. Those quick connections really stuck with me, showing just how amazing human connections can be and how even brief encounters can shape and inspire us.

I was super lucky to get a new doctor, and even better, he was the top mental health doc in the area for that company. He was really kind and got where I was coming from. He actually listened to me. He mentioned I had to stick around for one more day for observation, but I'd be out the next day. In total, I spent 4 days there: 2 full days and 2 half days.

I was only out of school for a few days, but it felt like forever because of how fast my accelerated nursing program moves. Missing even a little bit meant I was behind on crucial lessons, and catching up was tough. Each day was packed with lectures, hands-on practice, and important interactions. Skipping just a few days felt like jumping off a moving train, and I was really concerned about missing key nursing concepts and clinical skills.

Luckily, my super chill teacher was really supportive and let me catch up at my own pace. His laid-back approach made it much easier for me to understand the material without stressing out. Not everyone was cool with this, though. The strict Assistant Director of Nursing wasn’t thrilled about me taking time off, even though she was the reason I had to. But I was determined to show how committed I am to my education and career because being resilient is crucial in nursing.

I got back on track by joining study groups, watching online lectures, and doing some extra reading. All that effort really paid off, and I kept my grades up, showing just how far a bit of perseverance and determination can take you.

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Not the Same Person Anymore

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A few years ago, I went through a pretty intense time that totally changed my life. Those challenges really tested me and helped me find strengths I never knew I had. Every obstacle, whether personal or external, became an opportunity to learn, helping me adapt and think outside the box. The lessons I learned were invaluable and shaped my growth in unexpected ways. This situation did just that.

Looking back, I've gone through a lot of personal changes. I've experienced different phases of life, met new people, and tackled new challenges that completely shifted my beliefs, goals, and how I see the world. This whole journey was packed with soul-searching, re-evaluating my values, and facing my fears, all of which helped me become a more genuine version of myself.