I Know I’m Beautiful!

What even is beauty?

I can give you a definition.

“Beauty is the quality that gives pleasure to the senses or mind, encompassing physical appearance (like symmetry, healthy skin) and inner qualities (like personality, spirit), with modern concepts including holistic wellness, clean ingredients, diverse representations, and personalized routines.”

There's nothing in there that says beauty is just one thing. Beauty is what we make it. It's not about a specific look; it's more of a vibe.

For most of my life, I just wanted to look as beautiful as all those girls I thought were stunning. Growing up, I never really saw any beauty in myself, either on the outside or the inside.

When I look at old photos of myself, I can't help but think, "What on earth was I thinking? How did I not see how beautiful I was?" Sadly, younger me just didn't get it. I realize now it was all about my mindset back then. That's the only reason. I know that if I'd had a better mindset, I would have seen my own beauty too.

Current Moment

Biology, eh!

I'm 39 now, and honestly, I look older than I should. Want to know why? It's because I don't really take care of myself like I should. I don't stick to eating healthy foods, and because of that, I'm constantly bloated. Most of the time, I look like I'm pregnant, but it's just a "sugar baby" from eating way too many sweets. This habit also makes my skin look terrible. I've dealt with acne all my life, especially on my face, jaw, and cheeks. Just when it starts to clear up and I feel good, it comes right back. I've got a lot of discoloration in those areas because of it. I know I should be using toner regularly, but I just don't—though sometimes I do.

I've stopped eating sugar in the past, and it felt great, but then somewhere along the line, I ate it again. Since sugar is such a potent drug, I got hooked all over again. Currently, I smoke weed. I've been doing it daily for almost six years. Don’t worry, I would never do it and then go to work. I do it only in my spare time, just FYI. It truly helps keep me calm, and I swear that as soon as I smoke, my mental gears start going into overdrive. I write so much better; the words just flow out of me like a raging river. I love it. So, no, I don’t want to stop. Unfortunately, it also makes you want to eat, and for me, I always crave sugar. If you have never been high, then you have no idea how hard it is to resist the urge to eat when high. Basically, I'm addicted to weed as well. I don’t want to stop because the amazing things I get from it outweigh the bad for me. And because of that, my belly will continue to look and feel like this. I swear it’s like a hamster wheel; you just keep running with no end in sight.

I've always dealt with acne as an adult, mostly because I keep plucking those random dark hairs (some are grey now) that pop up (thanks to all those motherhood hormones). It took me a while to realize this was a big reason for my acne. Even after finding out, I kept doing it because it's such a habit now. Do I want to stop? Definitely, and I will someday. But I haven't managed to yet, and I can't even explain why. Still, I'm working on it, and when I finally quit, I'll definitely celebrate.

I know I'm supposed to drink lots of water every day. I'm a nurse, and I tell everyone else to do it all the time. But for some reason, I can't seem to follow my own advice. I'm always dehydrated, being hydrated is so rare for me. I wish I could just walk around with an on drip my entire life. Just so I could stay hydrated without having to remember to drink. I'll think about drinking water, gulp down a bunch, and then forget about it until I feel dehydrated again. I've tried setting timers, which worked for a while, but I'm just too scatterbrained! Even timers don’t help me for some reason. I know these are silly excuses. I could get one of those wearable timers, and I have, then I lost it. Just like with my Apple Watch. I haven't worn it in over a week because I misplaced it and can't be bothered to find it. It's the craziest thing.

Let's talk about dehydration again. Did you know that if you're constantly dehydrated, you'll start getting some serious wrinkles? That's why I usually have more wrinkles on my face than I should for my age, plus my lips are often chapped. I know all this stuff, but for some reason, I just don't do anything about it. I don't need anyone to analyze me; I'm good. Just sharing how things are. I know that one day I will start taking this serious, I just hope it isn’t when it’s too late.

Make Up and Fashion

Honestly, I spend most of my days in pajamas, which is kinda funny. But hey, I’m proud of myself—I just took a shower and put on regular clothes!

Speaking of regular clothes, I've got a few dresses but hardly ever wear them. Most of my wardrobe is black with a few splashes of color. I usually go for jeans and t-shirts, unless I'm feeling really bloated (which unfotuntaley is often), then it's all about those comfy nursing pants or stretchy waist pants. I rarely buy new clothes; most of what I own was given to me by others, and I'm totally cool with that. I don't need anything fancy. I just recently gave away half my clothes because they were so old—probably from my high school or early twenties days. And, as you know, I'm 39 now!

I honestly can't remember the last time I wore makeup. I recently got rid of most of it—some of it I've had since I was a teenager! I tossed out a ton of makeup. I've never really been into it much. When I did wear it, I'd just do eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and sometimes a lip tint. That's all. As I get older, I just don't feel the need to cover up my face, and I REALLY hate taking it off. If you don't, you'll end up with black streaks on your pillowcase.

Aches and Pains

As I'm getting older, I'm really starting to feel those aches and pains. Seriously, it's nuts to be dealing with this much discomfort at my age. I've promised myself that I'm going to hit the gym and actually stick with it. I've managed to keep it up for long stretches before, and I'm determined to do it again. I'm going to start setting aside time for it, starting tomorrow morning. I already have a timer set to wake me up. And I will do it. Once I make a schedule around my husband's work schedule and all the other things always going on, then it will be easier for me to continue to go.

My posture is pretty bad, just like 99.9% of people out there. Technology is definitely to blame for that. We all spend tons of time on phones, tablets, laptops, and other gadgets. No surprise that most folks these days have a bit of a hunch. I'm not saying all hunched backs are because of this, but most are. I notice it a lot myself. When that happens, I try to stretch and work out, but it really shouldn't get to that point. That's why hitting the gym or just staying active is super important for our health.

Random Flaws

I've always had these spider veins on my left calf, even when I was a kid. I used to hate them! But over time, I just stopped noticing. Do I wish they were gone? Yeah, but it's not a big deal. When I win the lottery, I'll get more laser hair removal, zap those spider veins away, and maybe try one of those body sculpting things to look slimmer. Until then, I'll just keep doing my thing.

Why am I sharing all this random stuff with you? Because I want you to get that there's no such thing as perfect. We've all got our flaws—some people try to hide them, while others don't care if anyone notices. I'll shout it from the rooftops if it helps people see the beauty inside themselves instead of getting hung up on trying to "perfect" their outer appearance.

I've got scars scattered all over my body, and you know what? I actually love them. Like Papa Roach said, “Scars remind me that the past is real.” No other song quote has hit me harder. Our past is like a fleeting thought, without substance. That’s why photos are so important—they keep those moments alive. Well, scars do the same for me. I've got big scars on my right ankle from when I broke it a few years back. There's a scar on my neck from having two herniated disc surgeries. If you want to talk about pain, nerve pain is the worst I've ever experienced, and I've got four kids!

So, let's talk about my lovely mama belly. You know, that spot at the bottom that just refuses to tighten up. Especially for those of us who've had C-sections—there's just so much scar tissue there. Oh, did I mention the scar? Yep, I've got one too. It's a beautiful reminder. And those stretch marks? Same deal. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was young enough to dodge stretch marks. With my twins, I slathered on cocoa butter lotion every night, and it worked. But with my last one, I was 30 and just didn’t care as much. There's a spot on my stomach with a few stretch marks, and I’ll always remember that’s where my youngest loved to kick me. It was such a privilege to feel what it's like to have a baby inside me. And let me tell you, it’s changed my body in ways you can’t even imagine—unless you've had a baby yourself.

By the end of the day, I might look like a worn-out rag doll that's been through the wringer. Sometimes, I even resemble that zombie lady someone created of me this morning (I'll share it so you get the idea—it's kinda cool, makes me feel like I'm in The Walking Dead). Anyway, there are times I feel beautiful, and other times I don't. But either way, I'm who I am because of everything I've been through, both in my mind and in my body. And I know I am beautiful!

Moral of the story

Who cares what anyone thinks about you? You're amazing because of everything that makes you, you. It's all about your whole story and the life you've lived. So, it's really important to live your life to the fullest. That way, you'll finally get what it truly means to feel beautiful.

So, as you can see, beauty isn't about looks at all. It's all about how you feel inside—confidence really shows and it's beautiful. It’s also in the kindness and love you share with others.

I just want you to know, you are beautiful! Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently; we’ve already established that beauty comes from within. So, who cares what they say? You know who you are!